a million saturdays working

So here I am again. Stuck at work on a Sat. evening. My bestfriend from highschool got married sometime in the last hour or so. Next weekend friends from around the country will be meeting up to celebrate their love for great music. I'm sure that I'll be sitting here in this chair.

And, truthfully, I feel absolutely wonderful. I know I'm missing out on these things, but it's not affecting me like I would expect. I hit a plateau in my stress levels last week, and it was driving me mad, hurting me physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. And so I did the only thing I know to relieve the agonizing why's and what if's. I started letting things go -- little by little at first. Soon you start feeling better. So good, in fact, that you start shredding all the worries of life from yourself. Bliss and Peace become tangible things that you can wrap yourself in; it gains you comfort. And now, like my warm bed on these very chilly mornings, I'm finding it hard to leave behind. I'm finding it hard to concern myself with anything that will cause pain or strife or worry.

In short -- I don't care. I don't want to, and you can't make me. heh.

And sometime along the way, the Holiday Spirit crept in. I've found myself humming bits of old songs under my breath as I proof orders, or file reference sheets back into the filing cabinets. If I could play music on a daily basis here (the music nazis won't allow it for some odd reason,) I'm sure I would be in full-swing Christmas Mood. I find myself sitting at night wishing that I had put up some sort of decoration - some garland hung across the door frame, or some Christmas lights strung along the ceiling, even a small tree (maybe.) I didn't do any of that, so I light a candle and smoke another Marlboro and fall into the duldroms for a while. I think about you and imagine us having a great time spreading cheer. Wouldn't that be nice.

Life gets pretty heavy and I wish it was light,
but after all I love the night.
OtR