lucid dreams (pt. 3)

I've been dreaming like crazy lately. I'm not sure if it's the cold that I've had or the medication that I've been taking or exactly what can be said for these wacked out night visions. I dreamt that I was in a car accident last night. This is a dream that I have semi-regularly; one that doesn't even really incite fear anymore. I'm just riding along (I'm hardly ever the driver) when all of the sudden we're hit and the driver is dead, but I'm not. Usually I'm badly injured, often times finding the lower half of my body taken by paralysis. The dream goes on for a while, me struggling to undo the seat belt and pull my body from the wreckage.

The neat thing about having this dream consistantly is that it alarms my psyche that I am in fact dreaming. Once upon a time I was really good at lucid dreaming, it was something that I practiced for a few years, but now my lucidity is waivering at best. I'll go in and out of a conscious dream state -- often times even better than lucid dreaming -- allowing me to shape my dreams and at the same time interact with them naturally.

Last night I dreamt about my ex. We haven't been together for a year now, and I recently heard that she's engaged to the fellow that we pretty much broke up over:

I'm in the car now, driving down a long dark road. It's late, but not so late that the few houses that I pass have yet to bed down for the night. I have a vague idea of where I'm going, but I don't push the matter. This allows me to have time to float through this sequence. I play with the radio, finding sounds that are remiscient of music but not quite right. They are the sounds of laughter, high-pitched with an almost melodic quality. Soon enough I've pulled into a gravel drive. The house is lit and I can see shapes moving inside the open windows, behind the translucent curtains. I kill the engine and hesitantly open my car door. I know that I'm somewhere that I'm not supposed to be - somewhere that I won't be welcomed - but I've come nonetheless. I've come to do something.

I stand and shut the car door with an unheard clatter. The moment that I look back towards the house I am greeted by a fist. I find myself face down, lying on the gravel. I take a moment remind myself that I'm dreaming, You're not hurt, in fact you didn't feel that at all. This isn't real. I gaze upon my attacker's face and find no recognition in his deep chesnut eyes. He's a tall man, but then again, I'm on the ground. There's a commotion racing towards us from the house, "What are you doing? Who the hell is this?" comes a familiar voice. "Oh, Dan."

She ushers her husband and children inside, giving them reassuring words that "everything is going to be alright" and "Mommy just has to talk to her friend now." She slips back through the screen door with a beer.

"Uh, thanks." I mumble.

"What are you doing here, Dan?" She asks, without waiting for a response. "I'm married now. I have children. What do you want?"

"I- I don't know." I answer honestly. I am consumed by her face, forgetting for the moment that this is just a dream, a figment of my imagination. She has aged well, her natural beauty seeping through every pore. "Motherhood has done well by you. You look. . .well, you look beautiful Roxy." A smile spreads on her face, reaching far into the depths of her eyes.

"No one has called me that in a long time. . ." she takes my hand and we sit in silence.

And that's all I can remember from the dream.

It's funny really - I hardly think about Diana these days. Even when I heard that she had gotten engaged to Jack or Jake or whatever that fucker's name was - I wasn't angry or hurt at all. We had some really good times together, and I'm glad that it ended when it did. I certainly would have chosen a different ending at the time, but in hindsight I'm not sure I would have ever left her without a push. Heh - she pushed alright. And I'm probably a better, stronger person because of what she and our relationship taught me. Life long lessons. . . (I guess.)

-d.