through the cracks

This is something that I just can't understand. How in the hell do I allow myself to continuously fall in love with the same person? Do I really think that the results will ever differ? Do I think that I can magically make the past disappear, leaving the future to me to mold?

And I come to a resounding "I dunno."

In my delusion, I really think that I can. (well, maybe I can't make the past disappear, but I can certainly see us working through this.) She is like a plague. A fucking disease that forever infects my psyche. I understand how Shakespeare wrote about all those poetic lovers that brought the poison to their own willing lips -- the strength was in their hearts, not their hands. It is blinding, sweeping, and painfully glorious - this thing we call love.

really, it's times like these that I wish that I had never even met her, never read Kierkegaard, never fallen in love. It's not that we're not having a good time right now, because we are. We are having the best time of our lives. And, in a month it will be all different. And a month after that, different yet. When will this shifting paradox that we call life ever come to a slow enough still to make sense out of anything?

And I talk to my friend, August. He says "time is on your side my friend. You two are still having the childish fight of who is going to win who over -- and in the end, you'll both end up winning because you'll have each other. One way or another, you're stuck with her for the rest of your life." And I look at him, in his sober wisdom, and I doubt. But I don't want to. I don't want to question whether or not fate will walk me down this path or another. I don't want to trouble God over this pitiful drivel. This should be so inconsequential by now. And it's not. It affects me more than I should have ever allowed.

I hate having feelings sometimes. They are so fleeting.

in fact, I feel better already.

-d.