running (through my head)

I'm so tired, but I can't sleep,
Standin' on the edge of somethin' much too deep.
It's funny how we feel so much, but we cannot say a word.
We are screaming inside, oh, but we can't be heard

That Sarah Mclaughlin lyric has been running through my head all day long. Maybe it's the cause of my most recent bout of insomnia.

When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep... and you're never really awake.

I am Jack's pounding head.

I talked to God for a long time yesterday. It's been since before the election that I've really prayed. And it was good - time well spent, I guess. I mean, I didn't really come to any ends with the stuff that I'm dealing with, but I did get a chance to say it out loud. That's always the first step for me. I don't really talk to other people about what's going on in my head. A lot of the time I don't even talk to myself about it. It becomes a whole lot easier to just lay it aside and say, "I'll deal with that another time." or "It would be more harmful than helpful to try and take on all that crap." or any of another thousand excuses. But yesterday, I brought all that has been bothering me to the very front of my mind. I held it in my hands, turned it over and put it back. Turns out it's not done yet, and probably won't be for another week or so.

Hell, it'll probably be July before I deal with it. I mean, let's not kid ourselves.

Ok, so. . .I'm really afraid about Chica leaving. I'm afraid that she's going to fly off to another part of the world and that I'll never get to see her again. I'm having premature separation anxiety -- She's not leaving for another seven months! And I know that it's not the case. I mean, we're best friends. The kind of friends that rarely go even a day without speaking to each other. and Texas isn't that far away. is it?

There's some other stuff too. Mostly about inadequacy and that's pretty much all my fault. My mother still tells me that I'm not living up to my full potential. I'm not really sure what she hopes to accomplish by bashing my life. It's supposed to be motivational, I guess. heh. I get to tell her that I'll go and do those things when I'm good and ready. heh. I gots to love me some quality family time.

Other than that, life's been pretty swell lately. I'm sleepy and a little cranky, but it's a doable life. I can breath here, and that's all that really matters.

-d.