Monday, January 31, 2005

new day, new week, new year

I've been avoiding this space lately. Not ignoring, but avoiding. And I think that it' been healthy for me (for the most part.) What can I say? I've had a lot on my mind lately.

And so I got away this weekend. My sister drove up on Friday and picked me up from work. We did the go-out thing and went and had dinner and a couple of drinks. We talked about our perspectives on where we were from and where that was leading us. My sister's really great for doing that.

Saturday we drove to our hometown. There's nothing really better for clearing my head than seeing my mom. I don't really know why -- I guess that I'm still a big baby who needs a hug from his mommy every now and again. Mom and I didn't even really talk about what's bothering me, we don't need to. It's just nice to be near her, and to listen to her singing hymns under her breath while she makes a meal for her family. It's nice to have a place that still feels like home, no matter how long you've been gone.

And I chatted with my Dad. Mostly about nothing. We talk about work and politics and faith a little too. My Father is a realist - not to say that he doesn't see positives in world, he simply is always preparing for the worst. I have not always held that quality of his in high regard, but as I've gotten older it's taught me that the worst sometimes does happen and it goes by a whole lot smoother if you've at least acknowledged its possibility. Thanks to his foresight, I've been saved from trouble on a number of occasions. Hopefully he knows that I'll pay him back for all that love one of these days.

And I went sledding with my little brother and sister. They're so cute and prepubesent. I love being a big brother, sometimes. nah, scratch that -- all the time.

So it was a whole lotta family for me this weekend. And some healing to be sure. Hope you find some healing this week too.

-d.

Monday, January 24, 2005

a loss of inspiration

I spent the bus ride into work this morning thinking about eternity. Well, not entirely about eternity, but about mortality and infinity and an end of things, and, yes - about death too. But everytime I sit down to write something in this space regarding that thought I'm side-tracked into doing something else. And by the time I get around to coming back to the thought, it's gone - or atleast a whole lot less eloquent than I first imagined it. Maybe I've not undone all the wrinkles yet. Maybe I'm just not ready to share.

I guess I've been kind of freaking out lately (in my mind) about finishing some thoughts. You know, really laying them down and not picking them up ever again. The thing is, I'm not afraid of my own mortality; I do not fear dying. I've not been afraid of that passing for years now. But lately I've been thinking about all the things that I'm getting ready to leave behind (or perhaps, the things that are getting ready to leave me behind), and I just don't think I'm ready. I'm not sure if I'm capable of handling that change, and I'm definitely not ready to accept the loss.

That's what death is (in my mind, anyway) -- a change, a loss -- the rest lies in perspective.

. . . . .

On Wednesday, it'll be a year since my Grandpa died. My Pops. He was a great man, and a huge part of my life. He lived with my family from the time I was six until I turned twelve or thirteen maybe. I suppose that some of these thoughts are springing from my missing him. And some of them are from this anxiety I've been having about my bestfriend moving fourteen thousand miles away. (I exaggerate)

I hope you all have a good day. many blessings to you and yours.

-d.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

vacation

I've not been around this space this week. Partly because my co-worker is on vacation, and partly because I've nothing to say, really. Even with Antoine gone, I've plenty of time to goof off and do my own thing (if you don't believe me saunter over to the Orchard and take a look for yourself.)

So, I'm just checking in. Like a kid calling his mom at 10:30 on Friday night. That was the cutoff, anyway. At 10:30 it was check in one last time, and then sneak in the house as quietly as possible in the wee hours of the morning. Mom always knew when I came in though -- but she never really said anything about it. hmm....that's me Mam. She's a good mom.

-d.

Monday, January 17, 2005

Some follow-up thoughts on Despair

I'm feeling it all over my heart today. It's usually there, somewhere, deep in the back corner and hiding, but today the iron fist has wrapped itself around me and it's squeezing. And for no apparent reason whatsoever.

Feelings like I'm having today are different than the inexplicable happiness or saddness that will pop up at different times during the day. It's deeper than that. It lies somewhere in the gut and nags at the heart and mind, making sure the smothering effect is ever-present. In the end, there's not a whole lot one can do with such a feeling - it is, after all, just a feeling.

. . . . . . .

Last time I wanted to write about the beauty which is love and how we can use that beauty to battle the clenches of despair. Today, I want to talk about the beauty of despair. Well, perhaps it's not despair, exactly, but what I'm trying to communicate is possibly despair's first cousin - pain. Pain is the effect despair has on a person, and pain is a weapon we must use.

I've a question to ask you: What is the opposite of love? Think about it before you answer. . . I can wait.
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I've asked many people this same question, and time and time again I receive the same incorrect answer : hate. That's wrong. Hate is an emotion fabricated by humans. There are no other animals in the world that experience hate. The opposite of love is pain. And amazingly enough, the greatest love is born out of pain and sacrifice; the greastest love is compassion.

Now, you're probably saying to yourself, "what the hell does this guy know? I know dan and he's just some punk with crazy, half-baked ideas about the world and he's clearly, CLEARLY, talking out of his ass this time." You might even be right. But my opinion stands that the greatest love that has ever existed was brought to light on this earth by the man Jesus the Christ. His compassion for the world is talked about and has been talked about for two millenia now. There was even a multi-million dollar movie made about the "passion." And I think old Mel got something right in showing what horrific pains Christ had to go through to reach the keys to the kingdom. You see, the love that Christ had for the world would have been useless, were it not for the pain and sacrifice that He endured. Love, like many other spirits, is only apparent in action. Without the sacrifice, without pain, the love endureth not.

When Christ calls His people to follow Him, what He is requiring is pain and sacrifice. By sacrificing ourselves to the good of others, and most imporantly to the will of God, we open ourselves up to the possibility for love, for compassion, for understanding, and ultimately - for truth. Perhaps it could be that in our moment of greatest despair, we could find an even greater love.

. . . . . . .
-d.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Late-Night Drive-Thru

It's twenty til midnight and I'm sitting in my living room, getting ready to fall asleep. Well, actually I'm going to put on Good Dog, Bad Dog and think about life for a while. Who knows what can come of good music.

I'm tired tonight. I've been tired all day long, and I'm not sure why. I got plenty of sleep last night. In fact, I had to fight through the last hour and a half. Not that it was all that hard. For years now, when I can't sleep, I just close my eyes and pretend until I get there. Some times the transistion is so smooth that I'll be dreaming before I realize I've ever left my couch. One minute, I'll be humming along, "Go down easy, baby. Go down slow. Take all the time you need, and don't let go. . ." and the next minute I'll be on a beach of white sand having an arguement about a Dostdoevsky novel with a creature that can only be described as a lobstrosity. (Think Dr. Zoidberg, only a lot bigger and a whole lot meaner looking.) But, I'm rarely afraid in my dreams; after all, they're not real.

So, I've put that album on. Shall we get to the meat of things? On to a "me you would not recognize?" I think it may be that time.

. . . . .
I want to talk to you about the beauty I've seen lately. Not because life is beautiful (although, I think it is) but because there's far too much despair in the world today. And when people get bogged down in the myre of their own self - in their problems, and needs, and routines - they have a real difficulty seeing past that. Despair will wrap itself around you; it is a cruel keeper that suffocates all unfortunate enough to cross its path. When that happens, you often need someone else to point out the beauty in the world.

First, and foremost, there is love. It's simple as that. The love of a parent and child, laughing in the sun. The love of a brother, and of one who stands with you when darkeness bodes. The love of another, so sweet, mere words can do it no justice. And if you can not find love in these places, there is always the love of the light itself; the warmth the sun shines down upon us. The quenching love of the softest rain. It is the love of my God and yours.

To find love you must open yourself, and give freely. It is the polar opposite of despair - that is about taking and consuming with an insatiable hunger. It is the healer and the light. As a wise Beatle once wrote, "In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make." You must first learn to give in order to receive.
. . . . .

I'm tired tonight. And I think it's time to sleep.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Being Brash

I'm tired of trying to constantly walk on eggshells and please other people. I'm tired of giving up the things I want and the time that I need to spend on my own efforts for other people's causes. It just gets to be frustrating after a while.

So, I'm going to try and not do that anymore. I mean, I'm a pleaser. a giver. And I know that I'll never divorce myself from that initiative. But I really need to start being a bit more selfish - for my own good. I think that the first steps are already in place, and the journey is set. I just hope that I don't lose my way from this path (again.) I say again, because even in my short 23 years, this is not the first time I've had to step back and make a decision to not please the people around me. It's a very hard thing for me. I hate to see that kind of dissapointment in another's face, especially if it's someone that I genuinely care about.

Doing this has made me a much happier, more carefree person the last few days. It's made me sleep better at night and not mind waking to a new day. And it's not like I had to blow up and tell someone off, or be hot-headed about anything. The change has to start internally, and the blowing up only needs to happen if you ignore that inner voice (telling you to help yourself, NOW!) for too long.

I feel free. And freedom's always a good thing.

-d.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Another Day

It's a Monday of great magnitude here, bringing in all the Monday blahs that are typical. Another day at work. More mail to be sorted, delivered, rerouted, redelivered. Packages to be checked in, scanned into the system, scanned to be delivered, signed for, co-signed for, paper processed, scanned out of the system, and shipped. There's also ample time to sit here and pluck away at the keys.

My weekend was pretty blah too. I went home to see the fam-damn-ily. Mostly because I wanted to see my Mom, but also to help GMoney clear out the damage caused by the ice storm we got last week. Well, it only rained here - Mom and Dad got 6in of snow with 2in of ice on top. The world was coated in glass.

I wish I had some pictures to share. It was really beautiful. :)
-d.

Friday, January 07, 2005

new blog

Check out the start of a brand new collaborative blog here.

Some Apples and I have decided that enough is enough and it's time that we speak out against the defamation of our faith. We will no longer stand idly by as the name of the Lord is drug through the mud in hopes of stirring support for the "christian" conservative agenda.

A big thanks to Melanie for having the courage to speak out, raise awareness, and encourage the rest of us to do the same. You're my hero today, Mel.

-d.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

feeling the rain

The rain is making me weepy today. But not a bad kind of weepy. It's the kind of gushing and of bursting forth into new light. and I've not even cried.

But then again, I'm at work and my co-workers would probably find it a little strange to see a grown man felling tears openly and in public.

I feel.

I feel dissapointed. In myself and in others around me. I feel dissapointed at the way I've been handling stress lately. It's not even big stress, but the little kind of stress that eats away at your heart and mind - the kind that won't let you sleep for days at a time. All over insurmountable nothingness.

It's nothing, really.

But I do need to change something. Maybe everything. That's something that I've been feeling for months now. The time has come to confront my ghosts, to set the past straight, and to gain new insight into my future existence. Otherwise the future must only grow dimmer and dimmer until not even the smallest flicker of light remains.

and that would be my own personal tragedy.

. . . . .

Monday, January 03, 2005

2005

It doesn't really feel different at all. And I'm reminded of a Sandra Cisneros story called "eleven" where the main character has a less than joyous birthday and doesn't feel eleven at all. I guess it does take a few moments for the realization to set in.

I had a quiet New Years Eve. GMoney and I decided to forsake all the hoop-la and stay in. Not to say that we didn't get quite snookered. But I had a head cold and didn't feel all that well. With the booze on top of the cold medicine I was taking it quickly became a challenge to even make it to the midnight ball dropping ceremony. I was out cold by 12:08.

New Years Day was a bit more festive. Chica and I drove down to Jay and Kristen's house to eat pork and sauerkraut and socialize with the socialites. I have a great love for these folks - good, artsy folks - and it was a pleasure to relax with them on the first day of the year. The rest of the weekend was used for rest and I got plenty of it. heh.

and I got vacation today! heh. My new years present! But alas, I am here, working on the holiday. :(

My hope for everyone is that they have a joyous and prosperous year.

-d.